


That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore

by orphan_account



Series: Hey Lover [3]
Category: Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 10:40:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19810594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Love. Love will tear us apart.





	That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this wonderful art by @kmexin https://kmexin.tumblr.com/post/185653211592/maybe-this-is-the-worst-thing-miles-ever-done-to

~~~~That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore

He could see it happening once again before the door even opened.

The sound of that specific song playing in an empty venue always brought Miles back to his childhood room in Meols. If Miles closed his eyes now, there would still be sunshine passing through the shabby window, dusts dancing around in the air, and their intwined shadows casted on the faded carpet.

It was when Miles was young, ruthless and ungrateful, cherishing the bliss of the moment more than a lifetime promise. They would sit down, write and sing, hoping somewhere down the road they’d find themselves. They would allow only each other to mock any secret fantasies they had, and they then wrote those into intricate and obscure lyrics for only them two to share.

Alex was always happy when the sun’s out. Miles would suggest a walk to the seaside if he caught Alex peeking outside. They sat down inside a bus stopper. Through a thin layer of dirty glass, Miles pointed at the line of small boats along the shore and told Alex he used to dream about stealing one of them and sailing on, until he circled the whole world and returned to his mum’s welcoming arms.

“I’d definitely do some crazy stuff if I got a mate who’s up to it.”

To his words Alex smiled mischievously. He was half amused, half serious. “That has to be me, right?”

Alex was so right. He was almost always right. In reality, they did travel around the world together. Slowly Miles realized he was in trouble, because no matter how much time they spent together, Miles always felt it wasn’t enough. It began as an annoyed feeling of unsatisfactory, and eventually turned into a sick craving that continued to eat him away in the later years. 

If asked about the moment of enlightenment, Miles would say it was the day when Alex's visit ended. Miles had insisted to go with him to Liverpool. They spent another two days in the city. In one dark corner inside the Cavern Club, Miles remembered joking about how jealous he was for Alex to play in this venue. “You lucky star, Turner!” He shouted between laughs, pretty sure he had seen the sparkles in Alex’s eyes turning into something explosive and beautiful. 

Miles had failed to find a way to depict that night as they gradually got smashed, getting closer and closer. Suddenly he had Alex’s hands around his waist, Alex’s lips against his own. Alex's eyes were warm but distant when Miles tried to search for an answer in them. Out of the blue, Alex burst out laughing as if that was a good old prank he had planned, and Miles had no choice but to laugh along. 

The next day when Miles woke up with a cracked head and broken memory. Alex was already on the train back to London. 

There was an illegible note he left on a piece of napkin: an invitation for Miles to go to London and visit him, a promise to see each other soon, and an obvious disclaimer that he had no use for Miles' stupid heart.

The memory haunted Miles more than any other, repeatedly taunting him about the fact that he had fallen in love with Alex before he even understood it.

+

According to Alex, Miles never understood the concept of love. 

This was one thing that Miles did not agree with him. He’d scream if not for the fact that he didn’t know what to say. _I love you. I have always loved you._ The words were just light enough for him to swallow, but heavy enough to hurt his stomach every time he did so.

In a way Miles did this to himself, and he considered Alex to be mostly innocent: To Alex, it had probably never been more than a joke. Miles could see humor in the situation as well: complete strangers insisted they were secretly shagging each other and all their public love relationships were fake. It was hilarious to some extent. Miles could also tell that Alex found it amusing yet disturbing at the same time. It was Miles who persuaded him to let it go and play it up, putting up a good show for the world to see and laughing off the rumors.

Why not? Alex could never see anyway. He couldn't see that Miles only lied to not burden their connection too much. Sometimes Miles wished he could take back every word he had ever said, go back to the day where Alex first kissed him and stop himself from kissing back. 

Since there was no way to rewind the time, what Miles got instead were playful touches in public, intendedly matched outfits and endless jokes about how unusually close they were to each other. 

If they were to kiss eagerly behind a closed door, Alex needed to be either drunk as hell or too high to tie his own shoes. In Miles’ head, he knew he was not supposed to take advantage of Alex at anytime, even just for the sake that Alex loved him and trusted him like no other. But Miles did it anyway, too pathetic to care when the love of his life had smirked and asked for a kiss. 

It reached the point where Alex got seriously concerned about the countless nights Miles lost himself in partying. Alex was hesitant at first when Miles dragged him along, but he never refused to go. It was also in that particular period when Alex was put under numerous spotlights. All the fame and the peeking attentions pressured him, making it easy for Alex to make the wrong decisions. 

Miles was always by his side, following Alex around no matter how many malicious speculations people were throwing. Some called him a gold-digger, but what Miles was truly after was even more precious. Slowly, there was a feature of destructiveness developing and Miles knew how morbid this had become. "Of course I know cigarette and alcohol solve nothing." He had no desire to explain himself. "We're just having fun, alright?"

"Do you really?" Alex frowned, worry and disproval seeping through every word he said. Beneath his badass rocker appearance, Miles knew Alex was caring and lovable all along. He hoped Alex would change, or he himself would change. This way Miles wouldn't be stuck in this never-ending game, the one Miles started himself but now despised with all his heart.

Alex took another drag of his smoke. "You have a date tomorrow."

"Forget it. Not important."

"You are fucking up on purpose, aren't you?" Alex, the master of love and relationships, shook his head pitifully. Miles could not hate him more, yet at the same time Miles could not love him any less. 

+

The kissing was not something they'd talk about the next day, the next week, or ever. Miles always woke up to a headache and blurred memories of intimacy. In most cases Alex would be gone already, but a few times he had stayed. They shared the next day like nothing had happened. When Alex was around, Miles giggled along like a fool, but whenever Alex got up to leave, Miles had this intense impulse to hide under the cold blanket and cry until it's fully dark outside, this way he didn’t have to crawl into the daylight and face the void. 

Alone he was an isolated island, an abondanded house, an empty mill where no workers kept it alive. Together all his dark was turned into light and in all the things they'd do, Miles picked up a piece of himself. He let Alex collect the pieces and create an idea that's better than Miles could ever be. In the end, Miles was always his best self when they were together.

Unfortunately, it also made him vulnerable and easy to break. Strangely, love had made Alex strong and free, but Miles was weakened and chained by it. All Alex needed to do was to say the words, and Miles would go back to being a desperate prick.

"... I want you to meet her." Miles hadn’t seen Alex this happy and hopeful for a long time. It scared Miles to the point that he dared to call again and again in the middle of the night, dragging Alex over to his place by making himself a miserable mess. 

"Miles, this has to stop." Alex told him on a sweltering, grey summer night. He smelled like her perfume and the stupid soap bar he always used, and Miles probably smelled like death. 

It didn’t take a clear head to know Alex was angry. The sound of his voice cut open this brooding silence, hurting both Miles' ears and soul. He couldn't tell if Alex was unhappy with him because Miles just ruined the weekend which Alex had planned to spend with his girlfriend, or because his tolerance for Miles’ ridiculous behaviors was finally running low. 

Miles had no strength to lift up his head and find out the right answer. He also wasn't at all cooperating when Alex moved him into the bath tub to wash away the dirt left by all the poisons Miles recklessly took. "You can't keep doing this to yourself, Miles." Alex grumbled. However, unlike his voice, his fingers were gentle when gingerly caressing Miles’ eyelids. Miles could have been delusional right before he was swallowed by darkness. In his mind Alex almost sounded frightened when he swore, “...and don’t you fucking ever do this to me again.”

He woke up to the smell of coffee and scrambled eggs, and the sound of Alex playing mindlessly on the piano. With some efforts, Miles managed to place himself beside Alex on the bench and watched those beautiful fingers moving tiredly on the keys. It’s obvious that Alex had a sleepless night. For a thousand times, Miles was seized with guilt, regret and self-loathing.

It was more than Alex's attention that he wanted, and it seemed that he had failed tragically. 

"Play it again." Miles muttered, and Alex did it without even glancing at him. "Where is love?" Miles sang along to the melody, the question towards himself and towards Alex all at once.

It had Alex chuckle and look sideways at him. "Where is love? Here it is." Alex sang back to him in a soft voice. There was a hint of humor in the way he winked and shook his head. Miles couldn't help but smile as well.

But the joke wasn't funny anymore. Now Miles wanted to waste all his time with Alex and be the one who Alex really loved. He wanted more than getting high, losing control and finding an excuse for a hasty kiss.

Maybe the joke wasn't that funny in the place, and eventually there would come the day that Miles couldn't lie to him anymore. Today though, was not gonna be the day. Not when Alex was finally here and it’s like they hadn't seen each other in forever.

Miles felt weak and dirty when Alex held his hand and led the way back to the kitchen, offering him comfort and company. 

Miles didn't tell. Nor did Alex ask.

+

"I'm not joking." 

Looking back, Miles couldn't recall what exactly had triggered him to spill it out. All Miles knew was that the words were floating in the air already when he came around, and Alex's eyes widened at his whispers. 

It wasn’t like being on stage, where all the truth Miles accidentally let out could be forgiven and made into jokes. The last show from The Last Shadow Puppets was over a few hours ago. Nobody's watching anymore.

Around them the party went on, but for them it might as well be all over. 

Alex shot up and struggled to untangle himself from Miles' limbs. He casted a quick glance to the other side of the room, where their girlfriends were chatting over champagne. Ironically, even the girls were used to Miles and Alex being all over each other. The shift of the tide happened in total silence, with no one paying any attention. 

Alex looked back into his eyes, and his face surprised Miles. 

"You don't have to say that." Alex whispered back, neither scared nor disgusted. If anything, he looked pained and sorrowful. There were long pauses in his short sentence. "Miles...there's no place for...you and me."

All Miles could force out was a soft "oh". 

Did Alex always know? He knew how much effort Miles had put into keeping this stupid joke light and laughable. He knew and chose to ignore it, pretending to be oblivious and watch Miles making a fool of himself. Silently and cruelly, Alex let Miles do shitty things to himself, to them both.

"Want another drink?" Someone asked, and Miles seized the opportunity to let go of Alex. He watched Alex quickly getting himself smashed without any encouragements, and they ended up in the restroom, with Alex pressed tightly against him and his breath smelled like any other liar in this world. 

Miles held Alex’s head in both hands. He was so close to crying out loud, yet his voice came out barely audible, shaky and raspy."You think this is funny?" 

Alex tried to shake his head. He soon gave up, realizing Miles wasn't gonna let him go without an answer. "You'll always understand, Miles." Alex blurred out quietly. "....’s only you...it has to be."

But Miles didn't understand quite as well as Alex was expecting even when Alex grabbed at his wrists, pulling him down and turning all his anger, confusion and hatred into wanton moans. 

Miles did end up crying when he got back. Luckily, this was the end of a fucking good tour and he had a reason to be emotionally wrecked. 

Miles had no reason to not call Alex for months, but he did it anyway, a childish revenge just to make him suffer as well.

+

Predictably, Miles broke up with her. But he was unexpectedly shell shocked by her outbursts. Miles could never forget the way she burst into tears during their last argument. 

For a long time afterwards, Miles genuinely tasted remorse: He knew exactly what she felt the second he heard the accusation. 

"It's not me that you're looking at." She said, and she was right. It seemed that Miles was the only one who constantly made mistakes. "It had never been."

+

The door opened and revealed Alex, who currently belonged to someone else. They hugged briefly and Miles smiled at Alex’s new girlfriend. There was nothing Miles wasn't used to.

Miles had forgiven Alex easily, just like Alex had always dealt with Miles’ stupidity with an unreal amount of patience. Sometimes Miles wondered if they were created flawed, lacking the ability to stop giving a shit about each other. 

They even managed to see each other more often over the summer time. It was hard to tell if it had helped or made the matter worse: Between them now there’s some sort of competition going on, both trying to prove how unaffected they were. 

Alex walked over to Miles from the side stage. Here again in Paris, every motion was present as a perfect stage act. They stood next to each other and played the song like they always did, but there was no path to return to the days when everything was so simple - 

There was a time when Miles just wanted Alex to smile all the time and his happiness would lift Miles’ mood faster than a shot of spiced whiskey. Through out the years, he had loved Alex in the best and the worst ways possible. Now Miles just needed to work out how to still be Alex’s friend. 

The party was loud and unappealing. Miles looked up and was caught in the exact moment when Alex forgot about everything else and looked at him only, those eyes darkened and bottomless. Miles could see his own reflection in them so clearly. Alex was half way to alcoholic oblivion and got dangerously close, aiming for a kiss that was doomed to be forgotten in the morning. 

For the first time, Miles stopped him. The expected kiss landed on the back of his hand, heavy, burning and unbearably painful.

"Maybe next time." Miles lied, laughing out frantically before turning back and walking away, as if it was just a good old prank he had planned beforehand. 

He knew Alex had no choice but to laugh along.

+END+


End file.
